Jokes
Punishment in Heaven
Three friends die and go to heaven.
The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
”Why?” he asks.
St. Paul replies, ”When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.”
The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ”When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.”
The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ”Thank God I didn’t do
anything like that.” He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven.
The other two guys ask, ”Why?”
”Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.”
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little Johnny.
“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like
your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question
for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice
cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop
of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose
the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…
but I like your thinking.”
Blonde’s Computer Freeze
What does a blonde do when
her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.
Playing Doctor
Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.
“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going
to cut my finger,” said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
“Why are you crying?” asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said,
“I’m here for a urine test.”
One day Bill complained to his friend that his
elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he
go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do
about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing
to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went
to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making
some noise and various lights started flashing. After a
brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife
and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual
noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has
worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her
in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better.”